I'm a bad person. I am. And I'm probably going to hell. I just wanted to throw that out there so maybe you'll hate me a little less when you read what I'm about to divulge.Another one of my friends, Mara, got engaged over the weekend. And I'm a bridesmaid. This will be my third wedding next year.
Here's the part where you aren't going to like me very much: after her phone call and my congratulations, after her description of the ring and our plans for dress shopping; I finally made it inside my apartment. With the door closed behind me and the whole world on the other side, I sunk to the floor and cried. There in my coat and scarf and hat and gloves and snow boots, I finally let myself. And what started out as a pathetic whimper snowballed into a good old fashioned sob.
I tell you this because I'm kinda stuck. The people I would normally tell this to are, well...getting married. And as bad a person as I am, I'm not that sort of bad that openly responds to their joy with my own closeted disappointment.
To be clear, I want my friends to be happy. Yes, really. I want them to feel happy and excited and to share it with those they love. And I'm incredibly lucky to have people in my life who want to share their happiness with me and for whom I can feel happiness.
But last night's phone call did me in. It was the proverbial last straw and I can't help admitting that underneath my good wishes lies a sad girl who is still upset about her break up and who thought, who believed, that after four years she'd be the one receiving the congratulations this Christmas.
It's this same girl who, instead, looks wide-eyed and admiringly at all those plucky, well-adjusted, single women, like Charming, upon whom no amount of self-pity can encroach as they don their bridesmaid gowns yet again. How do they do it? Really, how?
See? I told you...
8 comments:
Followed the link from Brandy's site and she's right. You are a brilliant writer. And you are so right with this post. It doesn't matter how happy you feel for your friends, the doubt and to some extent (at least for me) the jealousy willl always be there.
Here's hoping you don't end up with a bow on your arse!
Even though all I know of you is a post on a computer screen, I know that you are not a bad person. That, quite frankly, is fiddlesticks!
I have a lot of friends in this position (and me too) and it is *hard* to be single and happy about that, whether it is by choice or not, because we are in a society that places a lot of value on coupledom. You have been surrounded your entire life by people and things that have conditioned you into wanting to get married. Plus, I think that women in particular often have a biological urge toward 'nesting' - nothing to be ashamed of, but hard to deal with when it's not happening for you.
So I say embrace the cry, you'll feel better after, and go and enjoy yourself with a bottle of something alcoholic. And buy yourself a bunch of flowers - every time you look at them you can enjoy something beautiful PLUS feel proud that you can look after yourself.
(sorry to be so long and opinionated the first time I have ever read/commented here, but I guess this resonates for me).
You're not a bad person, nor is having a good cry not a bad thing. Even the most well adjusted have those days!
Found you via Brandy!
Beautifully portrayed and honestly stated....I love it.
Thank you to each of you for your kind words. It feels so silly to whine about things like this, but so helpful to have a forum to do so without judgment.
I love your naked honesty. Do you know how many women are doing the same thing behind their apartment door even if it SEEMS like they've got it together/are above self pity?! We've all been there... Beautiful post.
It's totally normal to grieve the loss of expectations and disappointment! And bravo to you for admitting your struggle--there's such strength in your honesty.
Christ! Make that four weddings...they're dropping like flies!
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